The Rule of Awkward Conversations
Science says emotionally intelligent people embrace the Rule of Awkward Conversations to make a great first impression. Meeting someone new? Uncomfortable as it might seem, research says skipping the small talk is the best approach. Small talk, some people are good at it. Many are not. Either way, most don’t enjoy it. A better approach?
Participants in a study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology who had conversations with strangers based on what seem like too-personal questions felt much less awkward, much more connected, and a lot happier than they expected.
In fact, while participants predicted that answering a question from a stranger like, “What is one of the more embarrassing moments in your life?” would make them feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable, the opposite turned out to be true.
That’s the Rule of Awkward Conversations: the more awkward and uncomfortable a conversation sounds like it will be, the more you, and the other person, will tend to enjoy that conversation. To feel you bonded. To afterwards say you liked each other person.
“Awkward” Questions
Keep in mind there are no magic questions. Researchers had different participants ask other questions. All were effective:
- “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?”
- “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?”
- “If you were going to become a close friend with the other participant, please share what would be important for him or her to know.”
Then the researchers asked participants to come up with their own questions. The three most common?
- “What do you love doing?”
- “What do you regret most?”
- “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
It turns out those questions were just as likely to make people feel more connected, more engaged, and happier. Research suggests that the person next to you would probably be happier talking about their passions and purpose than the weather and “what’s up.”
More “Awkward” Questions
Going deeper by asking good questions can also apply to virtual encounters. As the poet Lee Suksi describes, questions they asked Instagram followers sparked surprising levels of candour:
- “Is it easy to make other people happy, or yourself?”
- “Are you better at working, or relaxing?”
- “Given the choice, would you live alone or with others?”
- “Which comes more naturally to you, gratitude or generosity?”
- “Do you often forgo transparency for kindness?” (That’s an interesting one.)
- “What’s the scariest question you could ask your partner or friends?”
- “What do you love most about yourself that’s hard to share with others?”
- “What’s the easiest thing that someone could do that would help you the most?”
Clearly those questions are just as likely to spark deeper conversations in person as they are in virtual interactions. And don’t be worried that they dive too deep. Or will make the other person feel awkward.
The people in the experiments expected that deeper conversations would be significantly more awkward than they actually were. The overly pessimistic expectations about deep talk stemmed from the misplaced assumption that one’s conversation partner would be largely indifferent to the interaction. Yet no one was indifferent. People enjoy deeper conversations. We all want to feel more connected. We all want to feel not just listened to but heard.
And if it sounds too hard to dive right in, feel free to lead with a standard small talk opening like, “What kind of work to do you?” but then follow up with a deeper question. My favourite is, “That sounds difficult. What’s the toughest part of your job?”
While it may feel awkward for a few seconds, that’s OK. If you’re sincere, which you can show by actually listening to the answer, the other person will quickly warm to the subject.
Then just keep listening and asking questions that help you learn even more. Your interest will encourage the other person to open up. To be more thoughtful. To in return ask you to go a little deeper. The result will be a conversation that is more meaningful and fulfilling leaving you both feeling happier.